Why

I am just having one of those months. I thought that it would just be one of those weeks because I was PMSing but this has gone on for a few weeks so now I think that I am having one of those months. I don't know how to put my finger on how exactly I am feeling or why but I just know that I am feeling it. At times I feel anger. At times I feel self-pity. At times I feel self-loathing. At times I feel jealousy and envy. I have had a few days here and there that I feel fine. And all of those other feelings just go away and I am able to see how silly they were. But today is not one of those days. Today is a day that I look in the mirror and literally hate the person that I see there. I wish that she would just go away. I feel like a crappy mother. I feel like a crappy wife. I feel like a crappy person. I just feel like crap. I can't get on the ball and exercise regularly. I feel fat and ugly. I feel like a failure of a wife and homemaker. I am not crafty. I am not....I don't know how to even put it all I just feel inadequate. I suck. Am I beating myself up??? Yes I am. But I need to get it out. I think these things all the time and just having them stuck in my head isn't helping. I know that I need to just get off my butt and do what needs to be done. But my list of to do's often feel overwhelming. I have kids that need to be taken care of, read to, taught, loved, played with, fed, clothed, cleaned, etc. I have a husband that needs my time and attention. I have a house that is in constant need of cleaning and fixing. I have callings at church that take up lots of my extra time. I have play groups. I have preschool groups. I have too much going on. When I can just power on it is fine but I am not the energizer bunny. I can't just power on all the time. And then I ask myself Why??? Why can't I just power on all the time??? Why???
Depression is one of the many tools of the adversary. He uses it to make us ineffective servants of God. We become ineffectual wives, mothers, and homemakers. We become unable to to think of the wants and needs of others. We just think about ourselves and our needs and our wants. Thus, we are unable to fulfill what Heavenly Father has asked us to do...to love and serve our fellow man. He has never said that we must be perfect in all things. He just asks us to try our best. I just really need to understand that. I hold myself to everyone else's standards. I constantly compare myself to those around me. I will never be as crafty as some of the amazing ladies that I know. I will never be super skinny with great ease. I will never have a perfect day with my kids... and I need to learn that that is OK.